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Showing posts from July, 2017

in mourning

I realized today I'm in mourning for a lot of things right now. So many different things too, not all of them necessarily bad, but change deserves mourning whether it's good or bad, I think.

Of course, I will always be in mourning for Desmond. I quit waiting for that grief to go away some time ago. It will never go away, it will only change. It intensifies and recedes for various reasons - days or weeks of being ok, then seeing the neighbor outside with her one-year-old boy on his little-boy toddler toys and sobbing realizing what will never be. Then it recedes again for a time.

I am also mourning the loss of David's job. On July 6 he was told that he and a handful of other employees were being "let go." He had a little bit of warning about this, and had been somewhat unhappy with the way things were going for a little while. So that is a big change, and in itself, not a good change. Fortunately he has found another job and starts in a couple of weeks, but there …

a year after

Yesterday was Desmond's... birthday? deathday? delivery day? I do not know what to call it. Anniversary doesn't seem right. I think we settled on just calling it Desmond's day.

We went camping this weekend. We were trying to distract ourselves, which sort of worked, but camping is a lot of work and pretty exhausting. Maybe next time we'll do something for relaxing.

A few days before his day, we went to the cemetery and released balloons and dragonflies and read a story and just spent time there. It was really nice.

I thought July 10 would be the worst, but the days leading up to it were much harder. On July 4 it was one year since I'd felt him move. On July 7 it was one year since finding out for sure that he had died. July 9 checking into the hospital. It was a macabre countdown in my mind. All of this compounded by the realization that I have cried every day for 365 days (plus) without fail. Not all day sobbing (some of those, yes) but at least some amount of cry…