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Showing posts from August, 2016

how Jacinda spent her first birthday (in photos)

When Penny turned a year old, I took pictures of everything she did that day. It wasn't a particularly eventful day, but now that the old blog has been made into a book, it's one of my favorite entries, to see not only how she spent that day, but how a day in the life of Penny at one year old really was. As time passes, you forget so many little details of mundane life.

Today - August 29, 2016, marked one year since sweet Jacinda Sharon joined our family through a horrifically painful but so-worth-it delivery! So here is her day, in photos.

We woke up bright and early (some days she does this) and it was just me and J for a little while. Daddy had gone to the skate park early in the morning, and the other kids were still snoozing away for a bit.

After a dry diaper and a little milk, she was ready to get on the floor and PLAY!

After everyone was up and we had breakfast, we had to rush out the door. Normally I only drive M, our foster son, to school, but today we all had to go, bec…

greater love

John 15:13
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

I've been thinking about this verse a lot lately (at the oddest times, like driving, unloading laundry, just out of the blue).

In it, Jesus is obviously talking about himself and his plans to give his life for others. I think the most important thing I or anyone can do is to strive to live as Christ-like as possible, yet I know I'm not in a position of being willing to give up my life for my 'friends,' in terms of anyone. Of course for my husband or my children, it's not even a question of whether I'd give my life for them, but for everyone else? That's a tough pill to swallow. 

But maybe I am at a good enough place that I can change it a little. Since we began foster parenting especially, there are things both David and I have had to "lay down" for a friend. Even a ten-year-old friend. So maybe - 

Greater love hath no woman than this, that a woman lay down wha…


Some thoughts on timing.

If Desmond hadn't died when he did, if he had died sooner, we'd have been in South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Colorado, or anywhere else. Dealing with that while so far from the familiarity of my own doctor and my own home.

If Desmond had died later than he did, we would not have been thinking about fostering a child, because we'd be planning on having a newborn baby joining our family in a couple of months. A couple more weeks, and the boy who has now moved in with us would have been placed in the home of a family he doesn't know.

Desmond died at exactly the right time. We were near family, near our doctor and hospital, at our home. A hundred times a day I want to go back in time to when he was still alive and would give anything to change how things happened, but when I look at the timing of everything, I know it was right. If it had to happen, I'm glad it happened when it did.

After his death, I started to think about this boy, M. He…

moving through the process

A lot of selfies in this post. I've become a teenage girl.

After my last post about my religious doubts (and renewed affirmations), I asked David if he thought I'd be shunned Amish-style at church. You know, like when they all turn their backs. I don't know if that's a real thing or only happened in that one Tim Allen movie where he and Kirstie Alley pretend to be Amish, but I kind of envisioned it happening. Of course, I expected and wanted him to say, "No way!" But in reality he said, "Yeah, maybe, by some people." Which made me really sad, but I'm glad he was honest instead of just saying what I wanted to hear. People have by far been very kind, including a half dozen who have contacted me privately to say they are experiencing the very same pains with being in the church and feel conflicted in many ways too but are afraid to voice any of those doubts or issues. I feel sad for them that they are afraid, yet I totally completely understand it,…

Closer to God, Farther from Religion

When we found out that Desmond had died, and had a couple of days to prepare for his birth, I had a thought - what if this experience makes me cast off all my doubts about the church and return to full activity? It was sort of a fleeting thought, a wondering really.

*If you want the quick answer, skip ahead about 20 paragraphs. Commence long personal history of Mormonism....* :)

To backtrack - I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) on August 17, 1997. I was almost 19 years old. That was almost 19 years ago. So about half my life, I've been Mormon.

I can't say I ever felt, as many Mormons are fond of saying, "beyond the shadow of a doubt that this church is true." I felt for a very long time that the church was true enough. True enough in many respects so that I could ignore or forget about the parts that I felt were not true at all. True enough so that the things that hurt me as a woman and as a convert could be put up on a shelf somewher…

bereavement support

Death is a weird thing. I get it, I tooooootally get it. Even when someone is old or has suffered a long time with an illness, knowing what to do or say to comfort the bereaved can be incredibly difficult. Finding ourselves suddenly thrust from "expectant parents" to "the bereaved," we've seen firsthand how people deal with this. And are happy to report that almost all of the time, people are simply wonderful. Every once in awhile (once in a great great great teeny tiny while that we won't even mention) they aren't so awesome. But mostly... awesome.

Dave and I are not super outgoing people. We aren't unfriendly, we just seem to be very selective about who we choose to spend time with socializing outside of each other. We like each other a lot and we have these crazy kids, so our 'alone time' is precious and limited. But we do have friends, through church, or through the community, or through homeschooling co-op. Losing Desmond has made us ac…

leaving the house and other hard jobs

I have never been a homebody. Even when I had three kids under five years old, we got out of the house almost every day, because I go bat-poop-crazy being in the house too much. I like to see other places, other people, do other things, even if it's just the supermarket, bank, or library. 
Suddenly, now that Desmond is gone, I don't want to leave the house. Not in a moping, depressed, 'I want to live in my fuzzy robe' type of way (though admittedly there have been days like that). This is more of a FEAR of what will happen when I go out. Fear based partly on actual events and based partly on worry of repeating or worse events.
Fears About Leaving the House
1. I will see someone I know, who will ignore me and the whole "dead baby" situation. This would be someone I know fairly well, whom I KNOW knows what happened, who would normally at least say hello to me, but because of the awkwardness, they will avoid eye contact and any speaking altogether. This makes me …