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Suicide

In April, we received word that an old friend had died 'unexpectedly.' This was a woman from church, but she attended the Evansville ward. We were in the same ward for nine years, and then after our return from a few  years in Bloomington, we would again see her from time to time passing in the halls or run into her and her grandchildren out in public. The last time I really talked to her was about a year ago, when I ran into her at a pizza/arcade with her family. Her name was Debbi. 

At the funeral, some of the comments seemed bizarre, even rude, to me. Afterwards David said, "I didn't realize she'd committed suicide." I hadn't either, apparently, even from the funeral, but in that light, the odd things people had said made more sense. (Still incredibly rude to stand at someone's funeral and say "Debbi wasn't perfect!" if you ask me.) Later, it was confirmed this was the cause of her death. When a mutual friend asked me what had happened…

The Big News

It's no secret that since Desmond's death in July 2016, we have wanted to have another child. There was a short delay initially because Dave had undergone a second vasectomy during that pregnancy, but in September 2016 we again traveled to St. Louis and he again had a vasectomy reversal (VR) with Dr. Thomas Sommers. VRs are never a sure thing but we had good success the first time (two pregnancies) so we were very hopeful. We did have a good return of sperm so we were good to go with trying. Unfortunately months went by with no luck so we returned to Boston IVF at The Women's Hospital, where we had used medicated IUI to conceive Jacinda in December 2014. Dr Griffin was very kind and said he believed that IUI could work for us again (especially since it worked on the first try with Jacinda!), but he wanted me to try a new medication. With Jacinda, I took Clomid, and I did not respond well, so I ended up having to take more and more of it until the side effects were terrible…

Winter catch-up

December was busy for us. Actually, at the end of November when we returned from a trip to Orange Beach for Thanksgiving, Dave took off for a work trip to Las Vegas, and I got a call from DCS looking for placement for a tiny newborn baby girl. I said yes! She was two weeks old. She'd been in foster care since 9 days old but the previous homes were full and could only keep her temporarily. She was tiny, barely 7 pounds, with bright red hair. This was an interesting experience for me, having a newborn that I didn't give birth to! She was for the most part a very easygoing baby. I put her on a 3-hour feed schedule immediately because I knew how much she was eating (not breastfeeding has its benefits!).

Dave came back and we all settled into a routine with a new little one. She just kind of accepted whatever love and attention we could spare her, and was happy with that. She had visits with her biological parents a few times a week, though they didn't always show up. I also go…

40 by 40, revisited

I had grand plans for a 40-by-40, a list of things to do before I turn 40.

One of those things on my list was,
Get back to pre-Lucy weight -OR- get pregnant (I'll settle for either)
WELL.... I am pregnant! More on that later, but being pregnant means that some items on my list are now not possible, or at least not safe. So I'm thinking of revisiting this next winter, and compiling a 41 by 41 list. Why not? It's just a number! The point is trying new things, right?

So, my updated list:

Grow and give away 500 flowers (can still do this!)
Go sledding/tubing - No.
Run a mile and be HAPPY ABOUT IT - maybe a vigorous walk?
See a Broadway show on Broadway - I saw a Broadway show at the Fox Theater in St Louis!
Fly on an airplane without a panic attack (completed 12/7/17) - done
Visit Acadia National Park - too long in the car
Eat lobstah in Maine - see above
See Stephen King's house (see how I can knock out several at once?) - see above
Learn my mom's chicken & dumpling…

40 by 40

I will turn 40 in 254 days, on September 11, 2018.

Yowza. FORTY.

I remember when my parents turned 40! In fact, they were both grandparents at 40!

To help with the "OMG I'm turning 40 blues" I have compiled a list of 40 things I want to do before I hit the big 4-0. Dave says, "Put it on your blog to make it official."

Some of these can be accomplished at one time or in one sitting; other items are long-term goals to work towards. On average I need to complete one every six or seven days, which means time's a-wastin!

In no particular order, here is my 40 by 40 list:

Grow and give away 500 flowers
Go sledding/tubing
Run a mile and be HAPPY ABOUT IT
See a Broadway show on Broadway
Fly on an airplane without a panic attack (completed 12/7/17)
Visit Acadia National Park
Eat lobstah in Maine
See Stephen King's house (see how I can knock out several at once?)
Learn my mom's chicken & dumplings recipe
Get back to pre-Lucy weight -OR- get pregnant (I'…

Aw, snap! (goes Truman's arm)

We didn't get any calls for foster placements for several weeks. It was starting to bother me - why not us? Then I saw on our local foster parent Facebook group a woman asking for respite care for her three little ones for a weekend. I could do that! She and I made arrangements to meet Friday at 3:30 after I picked up Lucy from school and we'd have the kids through Sunday afternoon, then Dave and I would be leaving to go see U2 and Beck in Indianapolis for MY BIRTHDAY.

Friday was going along just fine, and I had just gotten my purse and keys out so I could be ready to leave in a minute to pick up Lucy and the little foster kids. Jacinda was napping and Penny was playing on the computer. Truman had been jumping on the trampoline for about fifteen minutes. Suddenly, Truman screamed.

Not a 'ouch' scream.

The kind of scream that kicks your parental instinct into overdrive and you drop everything you are doing to run to the aid of that screaming child.

I went out the back d…

in mourning

I realized today I'm in mourning for a lot of things right now. So many different things too, not all of them necessarily bad, but change deserves mourning whether it's good or bad, I think.

Of course, I will always be in mourning for Desmond. I quit waiting for that grief to go away some time ago. It will never go away, it will only change. It intensifies and recedes for various reasons - days or weeks of being ok, then seeing the neighbor outside with her one-year-old boy on his little-boy toddler toys and sobbing realizing what will never be. Then it recedes again for a time.

I am also mourning the loss of David's job. On July 6 he was told that he and a handful of other employees were being "let go." He had a little bit of warning about this, and had been somewhat unhappy with the way things were going for a little while. So that is a big change, and in itself, not a good change. Fortunately he has found another job and starts in a couple of weeks, but there …